Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
