My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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