My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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