Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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