Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
