tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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