pop tarts are not kleenex
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
