When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
