I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
