my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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