just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
