She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
