We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
