I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
