i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
