A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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