i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
