I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
