i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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