bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
