I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We got so high we made milksteak
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
