My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
