my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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