i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
