i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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