it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
