Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
