Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
