You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Nicole vs. Life
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
