i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
