he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
