dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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