I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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