She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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