i can't believe i had my finger in that
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
