my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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