I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
