R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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