my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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