She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
