I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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