I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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