The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
