You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
