rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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