I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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