I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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