On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize