I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
dude. I can hear the air.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
