she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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