you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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