Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
