he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
