dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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