I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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