You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
