you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize