The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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