I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
